I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize
