is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
