I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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