It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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