where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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