im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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