It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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