who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
