I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
