By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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