I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
