So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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