Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
