On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
40s are totally the cure
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
