He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
