chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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