i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
