I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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