I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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