O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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