im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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