I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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