Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
