no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
