Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
