Swine flu. Run for my life!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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