the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
