The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
