Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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