I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
