can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
