I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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