What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
