i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
