a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This baby is an asshole
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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