..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
pray to the hookup gods
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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