It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
