this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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