just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize