she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
nutella sex= disaster
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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