my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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