When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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