Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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