you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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