can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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