I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
