I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
