just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
