Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
