I skipped work to stalk him.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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