We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
