I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
