I think I died a long time ago.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize