You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
