I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
