I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
