i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
