halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
